Friday, 18 December 2015

No You Can’t See if My Crotch Got Old

It was the perfect ending to my oh so perfect week, a beautiful sunny September day in Ontario. I was reading on my balcony, while sipping my latte, trying to make the best of the warm fall weather we were having, even though my life was in complete chaos. I was unemployed, single, and about to be homeless. All I had to keep me going was my faith that God had better plans for me. It was right at this moment that I received a text from someone in my past, a guy whom I had a tumultuous relationship with twenty five years ago. In the text he asked if I was still working at my previous job. It was a weird coincidence that he would text me that question within weeks of me leaving a job I'd been at for elevan years. I said no I wasn’t there anymore, and asked him why he was inquiring about my employment status. He said the place he was working at was hiring. I declined his offer by saying politely that I no longer wanted to work in the hospitality industry, but thank you for thinking of me.

A few days went by and I started to panic. I didn’t have enough money to sustain myself, and thought maybe that text was a sign that I was meant to work where my ex, let’s call him Dick, was offering me employment. I texted Dick back to say I was interested and had an interview the next day. The owner was quite nice, he offered me a job on the spot, unfortunately the place was infested with wasps, but beggars can’t be choosers. I thought it would be nice to have someone I’d known for years on my side in a place that was going to be new to me, people can be quite vicious in the service industry.

My ex,’ Dick’ waited for me to finish the interview and offered to buy me a drink; I had been spending quite a bit of time alone over the past three years since my parents passed away, which made any company a welcoming thought.

I'd previously told Dick several times that I will never be interested in getting back together with him. I shot him down every time he made a move on me over the past eight years, I had to get nasty, because my kind rebuttals weren't getting through to him. The last message I left Dick was that I will never have feelings for him, please stop, there is no chance that I will ever want to be with him again. If he was willing to work with me after a text like that obviously I must have finally gotten through to him, he must be ready to be just friends, right?


We had some drinks outside on the patio at a local restaurant within walking distance to my place so that I wouldn’t have to worry about drinking and driving. He lost his license, and his car years ago. After we left the patio we walked to the liquor store and decided to have a few drinks at my condo. I know, stupid move, but in my defense, I have told Dick several times that I have a boyfriend in the States.

We were catching up on our past relationships, reminiscing about the times we used to hang out, most of the stories he mentioned were nights I couldn’t remember at all. I hadn’t been thinking about him over the past years. It did become clear to me however, that he had been thinking about me. Then he started talking about the crappy things he did to me; such as refusing the diamond stud earrings I bought him for Christmas because he only wears gold hoops, and the time I planned a romantic getaway and he left ten minutes after we checked into the hotel to go to a club with his friends, just to name a couple, there were plenty. I didn’t remember the Christmas incident but I remembered the money I wasted on the hotel, and sitting there crying. That was the moment he chose to grab my face and try to kiss me, I pulled away, I hope that wasn't his idea of foreplay. I'm not sure why he thought bringing up our shitty past would create a romantic ambiance, it was doing quite the opposite; I was starting to dislike him all over again.

He told me he loved me, not to let a man disrespect me like he had in the past, I was too special, and that I looked exactly the same as I did when we first met. Sounds great doesn’t it. That was until he added he should’ve said I hadn’t changed from the shoulders down. Ouch what do call that an insultiment? It all started coming back to me. He did that to me all the time, built me up with a compliment followed by an insult.  I wanted to laugh, and cry at the same time. I was disappointed that I let someone like him into my life at twenty four and even more upset that I was so lonely I let him into my home that night. He was the same guy; a forty year old man who had not grown as a person since the age of nineteen. He seemed to think he had, I know this because he's spent the last eight years trying to convince me that he was a different man, and I should give him another chance. The reality is, that wasn't real love then, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be now.

His next big move was informing me that older women are getting plastic surgery on their crotch so that is doesn’t look old and saggy. Then he asked me how mine looked, and if he could see it. I said its fine thanks, and no you can't see it. I should’ve asked him to leave, but I was not up for a confrontation. I was intoxicated and not strong enough to squash this path of destruction we were headed down, especially since we were about to be working together.

He continued to ask if he could see my box for himself, so that he could be the judge of whether or not it looked old, and haggard. I gave him a firm no, not a flirty no, a solid no. Then he asked if he could touch it, that was it, I said I was tired, and it was time for him to go.

The next day I called the woman I used to work for at the Baseball Stadium and was offered a shift as a hostess in a private suite for a big concert, things were looking up.

It was humbling when I got my tips at the end of the night, after seeing a twenty five year old worth millions peform; I had only a few dollars left after parking. As I waited for the traffic to thin out I sat in my car and spent the rest of my Saturday night streaming a movie on my phone. The tears ran down my face as I realized I was going to have to give up my condo, store my furniture, and rent a tiny room. After the movie was over, and the traffic had cleared, I pulled out to exit the parking lot only to be stopped at the gate by the parking lot attendant. He insisted that he recognized me, and even though he looked vaguely familiar, I hadn’t parked there in over ten years, and was not in any state of mind to entertain his banter. I shrugged my shoulder and showed him my parking receipt. He was not having it; he insisted he knew me, and that I used to park there when I was young and pretty.           

Crotch guy wasn’t looking so bad now.

However the next day I turned down the job with Dick, told him for the last time that I will not ever have romantic feelings for him, and he just needs to accept that.

Then I made several appointments for Botox, and facial acupuncture.

I Keep Chasing Them Away

It was my first girl’s night out after doing the Bernstein diet; my body was slim, and completely empty. The alcohol went straight to my head, and my desire to kiss someone kicked in instantly.
I saw him checking me out from across the room, he was 6'2", slim, light skinned, with blue eyes, he signaled me to come over. Whether it was my age, food deprivation, being single for five years, or all 3, I didn't care I gave myself permission to engage in any intimacy I desired. I told him straight up not to waste my time, if he wasn’t hung, he should move on. He took my hand and put it on his leg, I hit the jackpot, there was an anaconda running down his thigh. I’m not the type of person to ditch her friends; so this hook up had to be put on hold. I went back to drinking and dancing with the girls, Asa and I waited until the end of the night to be together.
Three months later Asa called to meet up with me again; he was thin, in a lot of pain, and walking with a cane. He said he’d been in a car accident, and was recovering. Over the next few years we saw each other off and on, he slowly got better. When he'd made a full recovery he told me the truth, that he’d been battling cancer, and wasn't sure if he was going to make it. He didn't want me to know, because he was afraid I'd only be seeing him out of pity. 
It was a beautiful fall afternoon when I last heard from Asa; he called me to meet him in Buffalo. I saw him the second I crossed the border. He was standing next to his brand new Mercedes, with a beautiful bouquet of wild flowers in his hand, looking gorgeous and healthy like the night I’d met him. He wrapped his arms around me, gave me a big kiss, then jumped in his car, and told me to follow him. He wanted to show me the plans he had for our future, the University he was going to attend, and where he saw us getting married. We hopped into our own vehicles and onto the freeway, when we got to the University we went for a long walk. The grounds around the campus were beautiful miles of green grass, and large leafy trees, that’s how I picture that day in my mind any way.
After our walk we got back into our cars, Asa told me to follow him back to his place. As we approached the toll booth he started to speed up, then he jumped a few cars ahead of me. I could see him pay the toll, the next thing I saw was him speeding off. When I reached the toll booth he was almost out of sight, I could barely catch up to him he was going so fast. I saw him exit up ahead; part of me was thinking I should just go home and never speak to him again. The other part of me was enraged and determined to make him own up to whatever shenanigans he was pulling. I took the same exit and continued to follow him, I caught up to him again, then he turned, and sped up. We were on a high speed car chase through the city streets of Buffalo, my heart was pounding out of my chest. 
I dialed his cell phone in an attempt to put an end to this, of course he was a pussy and didn’t answer. He made another turn; I was right on his tail, he couldn’t shake me. I’d had enough of this shit with men, this one was not going to get away. I was determined to make him face me, and man up to whatever game he was playing.
When I made the left turn to follow him he was stopped on the side of the street facing my direction, he waited until I got next to him, then took off, by the time I turned my car around he was gone. 
I was shaking, and crying, I called my mom sobbing, asking her why this was happening to me. All she ever wanted was to see me happy; instead all she ever saw was me getting my heart broken.
Well when that door closed there was a big surprise behind the next door that opened.
I knew I was watching too much television when I made my own celebrity list, because I’d seen this on several sitcoms. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a top ten list of celebrities you would like to have sex with. Couples make a list and if they get the chance they have permission to sleep with their celebrity crush.
I'm being influenced by television, yes I realize how pathetic that is.
As it turned out when I was leaving a club in downtown Toronto someone handed me a flyer, on that flyer was an announcement that the person on the top of my list was hosting a party at a club in Toronto, and not just any club, but my favorite club, Fluid. When that night came I debated whether I should go, of course curiosity got the best of me. I never thought I would be in the same room as this young man let alone be able to attract his attention.
Let's just call this my Hail Mary to resuscitate my self-confidence after my car chase fiasco. I honestly didn't even think he would show up.
When Carry and I got inside the club we walked to the back to check our coats, then headed to the bar for a drink, and there he was. I didn’t know what to do, there were girls allover him. I was determined to get close enough to him that he could make a move if he was interested. I led the way up to the bar, some how with ease I managed to be standing right beside him as I ordered our drinks, within minutes he whispered in my ear, “I'd like to fuck the shit out of you and your friend tonight."
Not exactly the fantasy I had in mind, we aren't into threesome's but I could break that news to him later, for the time being I would to let Mr. NBA believe that's what was going to happen tonight.
The next thing I know this club rat walks in out of nowhere and whispers something to him, then he and his crew start getting ready to leave. I couldn’t believe she was ruining this for me. I know his proposition was vulgar, I was a single forty year old about to hook up with the number one person on my celebrity list, and the number 1 player in the NBA, cut me some slack. Okay, maybe I was a little out of control.
I sent Carry running to the coat check to grab our jackets, hoping he would invite us to join him wherever he was going. While she was getting the coats he leaned down, and asked me if we were coming with them. Uh ya!
Everyone piled into the Black SUV’s, we arrived at Brant House which was not busy at all, we loaded into the SUV’s again and headed back to his hotel for an after party.
I don’t kiss and tell, unless its mind blowing.
Come on, you can't promise a girl all night then last a few minutes.

Internet Dating? No, Never Again

I’m not against it, unless it’s me, and all my friends who lived through these experiences with me really need to stop bugging me to try it again. It’s pissing me off that I have to remind them over and over again, why I’M NEVER EVER GOING TO DATE SOMEONE I MEET ONLINE.

What is it going to take, me getting raped for them to stop suggesting it?

I am a believer in warning signs, and if the events that took place when I tried to find love on the internet weren’t divine intervention sending me a very clear message that the love of my life is not on the internet then I don’t know what is. But you don’t need to hit me over the head more than three times when dates turn out this bad.  

My first experience was when I flew to California. I picked someone in Cali, because that’s where I always wanted to live. I figured I may as well try to meet someone where I wanted to settle down.

Everyone kept bugging me to try dating on the internet, after years of being nagged relentlessly I gave in. I went fishing on the web and boy did I come up with quite a catch. After talking on the phone for a few months I decided to fly out to see him, he lived in Orange County, which was very nice and clean. In his pics he was gorgeous, fashionable, had a nice light brown skin tone, and looked like a model. When I landed and looked for him at the airport I didn’t even recognize him, it was a lie. I flew across the country for a lie. He was ten years older than the guy in the photo, 50 pounds heavier, out of shape, and not even the guy in the photo.

In here lays my weakness as a woman, I should've just walked away, but I wavered between sympathy for the man, wanting to get my money’s worth for this plane ticket, and my hope that something would click, because that's how desperate I was to find love. I was there, I'd taken the time off work, I may as well see if there could be any kind of relationship between us.

On our first night out he asked me to share an entree with him, which turned my detective radar on. Then I found out he had no groceries, and by the third night he straight up said if I wanted to eat I had to pay, his bank took two car payments out of his account by mistake, and he had no money. I had been taking care of all my meals during the day while he was at work, and he couldn’t even spring for dinner, a movie, or groceries. I would never ask someone to fly here to see me if I had nothing.

I didn’t have enough money to get a hotel, and I didn’t want to spend another 100$ U.S. to change my flight to go home. I had already paid that to fly out early because he said he would have the hundred in his hand when I landed. This pursuit of love, and loneliness was going to be the death of me. 

I was home in the afternoon alone while JJ was at work, and I decided to snoop through his stuff, something didn't seem right with him, and I wanted to find out what it was. I found a piece of paper on his desk by his computer that said there was a warrant out for his arrest. Don’t even try to criticize me for that, with all his sketchy behavior, I had a right to know what kind of guy I was dealing with. I’d been scammed, and I wanted to find out the truth about this guy. Next I went for the closet, and tucked away in his gym bag on the floor was a letter from one of his ex-girlfriends crying about him cheating on her. She said in the letter that she couldn’t believe someone that acted so in love with her could do such a terrible thing to her. 

I called my sister immediately upon finding all this incriminating evidence, and she said to get the hell out of there. Then I called the airline and changed my flight to leave that night, and paid another $100 get the out of there. 

JJ came home for lunch that day to drop off his vehicle for me so that I could go shopping for the afternoon. That was the original plan any way before I found the paperwork I'd found, what really was going happen now was that I was going to take his jeep back to his place after I dropped him off, pack my stuff, put it in the trunk, then tell him to drop me off at the airport when I picked him up after work. 

JJ's office was in an industrial area, there were no other cars on the road, well except for this one cop car that passed us going in the opposite direction. My heart started pounding in my chest when I saw it, my stomach was in my throat, but it passed us, I was relieved. We turned left and pulled up in front of JJ's office building. That's when my worst nightmare happened. I thought no this can’t be happening, please don’t let what I think is about to happen, happen. Two seconds later a cop was at the driver side door, pulled JJ out of the car, handcuffed him, and took him away. They wouldn’t tell me anything, I didn't know a soul, I sat there frozen not knowing what to do. I was alone with his jeep, I didn't know if I should just stay the rest of the week since I didn't have him to worry about, or if I should go home. Damn I wished I hadn't changed my flight, I can't pay another $100 to change it again so I can stay, I thought to myself. Then I thought how the hell am I going to make it to the airport to catch my flight. 

So much for the fantasy weekend in palm springs that he promised me for Valentines Day. 

can't believe I’d already paid $150 CAD to change my flight home. Ya I know I’ve mentioned that a few times, it really pisses me off.  

Lucky for me, on our way back to his office, I remembered him pointing to the right and saying his ex-wife worked over there for a bank. So I retraced our steps, turned onto the street he pointed to, but there was no bank there. 

O.k. don’t panic Lisa I told myself, that’s not going to help, think Lisa think. That's when I looked up and saw the name of a bank on the office building to my right. I had nothing to lose, I had to check it out, and pray that, that is where she worked. 

I walked in, and directly in front of me was the receptionist, I came right out and asked her if she was JJ’s ex wife, and bingo, she was. I told her what happened, I knew they were God fearing Christians, and therefore she would most likely feel she had to help me. She made a few phone calls, and managed to find out where he was and that he was not going to get out of jail any time soon. She let me sit there until she finished work, and then dropped me off at the airport. Thank the Lord! 

JJ told me he would pay me back all the extra money I paid for flights as soon as he got out. He called me when he got out of jail and told me he mailed a cheque to me. I waited about a month and nothing came in the mail. 

So I emailed him to thank him for the cheque, I wanted to call his bluff. He's the one that said he mailed it, if he wasn’t lying, it only seemed right to thank him. He responded with a nasty message to me, who did I think I was blah, blah, blah, his ex wife didn't even like me.... he was pissed off that I pretended to get the cheque, that he pretended to send. 

Does that make any sense?

What Goes around Comes around…sometimes at least

I was invited by my co-worker to a girl’s weekend away in New York. This was an annual trip they went on to attend the Labour Day Parade; I was a little apprehensive about staying in a two bedroom apartment with seven other women, in Flatbush, so I booked two nights at The W in Manhattan in case I needed space. I knew a guy in New York and he promised to join me for the two nights I was staying at The W.
This trip was a lot of firsts for me, it was my first time going to a club that was really a parking lot, the first time I’ve gone to buy alcohol at a liquor store you don’t enter, the bottles are delivered through a slot, and the first time I’d been stood up.
When I got to The W I unpacked my clothes, and counted my US dollars to see how much money I’d spent so far. I recounted my money several times and went over what I’d spent but my purchases didn’t add up to what I had left. I’d only been in New York two nights, I knew I was missing $100, my date didn’t show up so it wasn’t him. I spent the next two days in Manhattan shopping, and my nights tucked away in my room.
When I returned to the apartment with the other girls I tried not to think about the missing money but it was hard. I couldn’t wait to go home. Everyone left money for our hostess, I got attitude because I didn't leave as much as the other’s did, in my defense, someone in that room stole money from me, two nights out of the four I stayed at a hotel, so fuck you guy’s.
When we got back to Toronto I told the girl who’d invited me on the trip about the money I had taken from me, her come back the next day was that her and her sister were also missing money, ya right. I replied by saying it had to be one of the other two girls. The next thing I know she gets one of those girls a job in our restaurant, and tells her what I’d said, which made working with her awkward. This 90 lb pip squeak threatened to cut me if I spoke about her again. It takes a lot more than you to scare me after working with the servers in downtown Toronto. It was only a matter of weeks before money went missing at work from someone’s wallet and the little bitch was tossed.
A month later it was my birthday. I didn’t have any plans so I decided to treat myself to a day of shopping. I copied the hair style I learned from the girls in New York, a curl done with a triple barrel curling iron, which creates a nice luxurious wave, then I went to the MAC makeup store to find the shadows she used that were eye catching.
As I searched the MAC store for the shadows, I was unaware that I was being watched through the glass. After I gathered up the colors I thought were the one’s she used on me, I walked up to the mirror and applied them to my eyes, I nailed it. They were exactly the one’s I was looking for.
I asked the sales clerk for the shadow’s then walked up to pay for them, which is when a hand appeared from behind me that placed a $100 bill on the counter, and a voice that asked if that was enough to cover it, I said yes, and the voice disappeared before I could say thank you.
The change from that sale was $65.00; I didn’t know what to do with it. I walked out of the store and looked down each hallway to see if anyone was lingering. I could see two men leaning against a wall in the distance, it had to be them. I had two choices, one I could turn right and never see them again; two I could walk over, thank him, and ask if he wanted his change back. I chose two because that’s the way I was brought up.
The gentleman didn’t want his change, all he wanted was to have lunch and continue shopping for whatever else I had on my list. I agreed it seemed harmless; I was in a large mall surrounded by people. We had lunch, then went to Aritzia and I tried on the Citizen Jeans I’d been eyeing, he bought them for me, then he asked what else I was looking for, the next thing on my birthday list was a Coach purse. He asked if he could pick the next store and took me to Victoria's Secret instead, then told me to pick out anything I wanted. I felt uncomfortable, but he insisted, three hundred dollars later; I had a new bikini, workout top, a miracle bra and panties. After that he said he was at his limit for the day, he gave me his number, and told me he’d leave it up to me whether I wanted to see him again.
I may not have received a signed confession but the fact that I was told by this man it was my hair style that caught his eye, and the colors of the eye shadow I tried on that made him buy them for me, is enough proof for me that I was right in accusing her. I lost one hundred but gained over $400 in birthday gifts.
Any time someone does something bad to me, I thank them, because I can’t wait to enjoy the next wonderful thing that will happen.